Where have the good men gone? This is the pulsating heartbeat of Kay Hymowitz's writing in Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men in to Boys.
Long on critical analysis and short on answers, Hymowitz examines how "girl empowerment", the knowledge economy, and the extended state of "preadulthood" has shaped gender dynamics in the 21st century. The results (far from being anti-feminist) are fascinating, and hold tremendous implications for ministry and the church.
Consider:
"The child-man (think of any Adam Sandler/Will Ferrell comedy and you have the 'child-man') is the lost son of a host of economic and cultural changes: the demographic shift I call preadulthood, the Playboy philosophy, feminism, the wild west of our new media, and a shrugging iffiness on the subject of husbands and fathers. He has no life script, no special reason to grow up.
"Why should he grow up? No one needs him anyway."
You can read the introduction to the book (and the gist of her argument and most of the killer quotes) by clicking on this link.
There's much to said and debated about her writing, but it holds up in church too, I think. Last year we had 250 new students come to Reunion and fill out welcome cards. 185 of those were female. Tim, Sojourn's Director, spent some time recently with other campus ministry leaders and one of the hot topics of conversation was the lack of male leadership on campus. They asked the same questions: Where have the guys gone?
There are a lot of ways to go with this, so whatever I write here can only be the beginning of an ongoing conversation, but here are two thoughts I have at the moment. These thoughts, interestingly enough, come from another book I read recently: Open the autobiography of Andre Agassi.
1) Agassi repeats over and over: "God wants us to grow up." If anyone has actually led the child-man lifestyle it's been this guy. He describes it at great length in his book. However, when he "grows up" (i.e. starts focusing on tennis, gets married, has kids, starts a charitable foundation) he finds some level of peace in his life. He has a story to live. We need to recapture and recast things like marriage, fatherhood, generosity, and work in masculine terms. We need men to do these things and do them well. God wants us to grow up.
2) Along those same lines one of the most moving passages of the book occurs when Andre describes introducing his wife (Stefi Graf, the greatest women's tennis player of all time) at her Hall of Fame induction. He says: "Every man should have the chance to introduce his wife at her Hall of Fame induction ceremony." I agree! I think marriage is a particularly crucial aspect of recapturing a sense of manhood.
Older married men: tell younger men how great it is to be married, and tell them often.
I could go on and on with ideas that this book has generated. But I think those are two big starting points. Grow up and love your wife. We might have less books like one if more dudes did this.
3 comments:
i know my points may rankle some of my single friends. i do think there are some deeper essentials at play here: sacrifice, generosity, community, love, that can and should be practiced whether we are married or not.
i also reject the idea that men need to be domesticated and marriage is the best way to do it.
however, from personal experience and observation, there is something HUGELY forming about marriage. i don't think our culture (church culture) included casts that as a worthy adventure for men.
so, there are many individual exceptions to what i am saying here, but on a broad scope I think it is true.
Interesting post, Stevie. That book has been on my list of to-reads for awhile. It's not the main theme of the book, but Lori Gottlieb talks about this in her book Marry Him: The Case for Settling. It talks about the consequences of delayed adulthood as men get older and how it affects older single women. Really fascinating read.
that is an aspect of manning up as well. she talks about many of the consequences of delayed marriage.
i will check out this book you suggested, thanks! i am trying to develop a good list of books on this topic for some of our staff to read and think about over the summer.
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